Thursday, June 01, 2006
Doing the One-Shoed Dance AGAIN
Ugh. Pulled a near-all-nighter to finish my goddamn history paper last night. Got done with that at 6am, then had to write something for PR writing. Ended up sleeping at 7am, waking up at like 8:15 for class, and just going all day. So now my sleep schedule is off, and I'm about to go dice with it somemore by staying up late again tonight and heading over to Max's to join the gang.
Whatever. Sleep's overrated. I'm going mainly because I want to see her and hang out with her. It's been an interesting couple of days.
Sometimes I feel like I did yesterday, all's good, I just need a smile from her and I'm fuelled for the next 24 hours. Other times, the doubt and uncertainty starts to creep in, and I find myself fuelled by insecurity instead.
Because ultimately, despite— or maybe in spite— of everything that's already been said and done, I still have no clue exactly where I stand with her. And that's why I find myself constantly having to look around, waiting, just waiting for that other shoe to come crashing down, bringing my carefully sculpted reality with it.
Sometimes I don't know what to think about what she might be thinking. And I don't want to actually ask her because that might make her realize that I'm thinking about this in terms that more closely resemble a relationship than just a casual fuck buddy agreement.
Sometimes I think she might actually really like me. Other times I ask myself who the hell I'm trying to kid— she wants to fuck me, and hang out with me as friends. But the two don't necessarily go together in any sort of partnership.
But it's just so hard havin to play this game with the ball always in her court. It's as if I can't make a move without first figuring out where she's at any given moment. And if she's feeling all warm and fuzzy and asks me to go stand outside with her while she smokes, that's great. But if she's feeling all weird and non-intimate, then I have to back off.
It hardly seems fair.
Yet I supposed we threw fair out of the window a long time ago back when I realized that I liked her enough to do pretty much anything, and to play things her way, to try and make this work between us.
The other thing that really bugs me is the fact that since we've gotten together this time around, things have been absolutely quiet on the text-messaging front. Back in the heyday when I was leaving her little love notes and cards on her desk at work, we used to text back and forth constantly, like fifty times a day. And while I was never completely conscious of it before, this really helped me reassure myself of our status.
Now, I can text her, but unless it's a pertinent question, she won't usually text me back. And I'm not sure how to deal with that because it's right now that I need the added assurance of some regular texts more than ever.
Ugh.
Whatever. Sleep's overrated. I'm going mainly because I want to see her and hang out with her. It's been an interesting couple of days.
Sometimes I feel like I did yesterday, all's good, I just need a smile from her and I'm fuelled for the next 24 hours. Other times, the doubt and uncertainty starts to creep in, and I find myself fuelled by insecurity instead.
Because ultimately, despite— or maybe in spite— of everything that's already been said and done, I still have no clue exactly where I stand with her. And that's why I find myself constantly having to look around, waiting, just waiting for that other shoe to come crashing down, bringing my carefully sculpted reality with it.
Sometimes I don't know what to think about what she might be thinking. And I don't want to actually ask her because that might make her realize that I'm thinking about this in terms that more closely resemble a relationship than just a casual fuck buddy agreement.
Sometimes I think she might actually really like me. Other times I ask myself who the hell I'm trying to kid— she wants to fuck me, and hang out with me as friends. But the two don't necessarily go together in any sort of partnership.
But it's just so hard havin to play this game with the ball always in her court. It's as if I can't make a move without first figuring out where she's at any given moment. And if she's feeling all warm and fuzzy and asks me to go stand outside with her while she smokes, that's great. But if she's feeling all weird and non-intimate, then I have to back off.
It hardly seems fair.
Yet I supposed we threw fair out of the window a long time ago back when I realized that I liked her enough to do pretty much anything, and to play things her way, to try and make this work between us.
The other thing that really bugs me is the fact that since we've gotten together this time around, things have been absolutely quiet on the text-messaging front. Back in the heyday when I was leaving her little love notes and cards on her desk at work, we used to text back and forth constantly, like fifty times a day. And while I was never completely conscious of it before, this really helped me reassure myself of our status.
Now, I can text her, but unless it's a pertinent question, she won't usually text me back. And I'm not sure how to deal with that because it's right now that I need the added assurance of some regular texts more than ever.
Ugh.
Comments:
Post a Comment
