Wednesday, May 03, 2006
Seeing the Light
Alec was the motivation behind this sudden epiphany. I was studying in the library when she came, and we ended up hanging out. Just talking. Because we do that. We're good friends that way. And I was having a good time with her. She made me really laugh in a way that I haven't been able to in about a week.
And that's when it dawned upon me.
I've been approaching the entire Shadra-break up situation from an entirely wrong angle. See the reason I've been mopey and depressed since last Monday is because I couldn't shake the feeling that I'd lost something. Something dear to me. Those of you who know me will know that I HATE losing anything, of any form. Especially when there are emotions involved.
But here's the thing. I haven't really "lost" anything because: 1) You can't lose what you never had in the first place, 2) When we first started this whole thing, I was at rock bottom. Literally. I was mired in the depressive aftermath of the whole Britt debacle, and could not have dropped any lower emotionally. When you're stuck at rock bottom anyway, there's absolutely no way you can go but up.
And go up I did. She pulled me out of that. In the last three months, I've gained so much from this whole pseudo-relationship with her. She's given me a better understanding of myself, a better understanding of my sexuality, some dating standards, good memories, and most of all, the most fulfilling two months that I've lived in the last five years.
How can I possibly have lost anything? Looking at things from this perspective, I've gotten so much out of this deal that I can't possibly be bitter and sad about having lost her.
Because I gained something just by adding her to the cast of characters who feature in my life on a regular basis. Even if 'we' didn't work out, if nothing else, I've gained a friend who understands me as well as I understand myself, and a host of amazing memories from which to build off.
If she comes back to me, that just means that I keep gaining. If not, this has been an incredibly enriching experience anyway. Every person who steps into your life affects you in some way. She's changed mine, and I'm definitely grateful for that.
So thank you Shadra. It's been an amazing three months. But even if nothing ever happens between us again, we'll be friends, and I'm a better person for having known you.
I think I'm gonna be okay.
And that's when it dawned upon me.
I've been approaching the entire Shadra-break up situation from an entirely wrong angle. See the reason I've been mopey and depressed since last Monday is because I couldn't shake the feeling that I'd lost something. Something dear to me. Those of you who know me will know that I HATE losing anything, of any form. Especially when there are emotions involved.
But here's the thing. I haven't really "lost" anything because: 1) You can't lose what you never had in the first place, 2) When we first started this whole thing, I was at rock bottom. Literally. I was mired in the depressive aftermath of the whole Britt debacle, and could not have dropped any lower emotionally. When you're stuck at rock bottom anyway, there's absolutely no way you can go but up.
And go up I did. She pulled me out of that. In the last three months, I've gained so much from this whole pseudo-relationship with her. She's given me a better understanding of myself, a better understanding of my sexuality, some dating standards, good memories, and most of all, the most fulfilling two months that I've lived in the last five years.
How can I possibly have lost anything? Looking at things from this perspective, I've gotten so much out of this deal that I can't possibly be bitter and sad about having lost her.
Because I gained something just by adding her to the cast of characters who feature in my life on a regular basis. Even if 'we' didn't work out, if nothing else, I've gained a friend who understands me as well as I understand myself, and a host of amazing memories from which to build off.
If she comes back to me, that just means that I keep gaining. If not, this has been an incredibly enriching experience anyway. Every person who steps into your life affects you in some way. She's changed mine, and I'm definitely grateful for that.
So thank you Shadra. It's been an amazing three months. But even if nothing ever happens between us again, we'll be friends, and I'm a better person for having known you.
I think I'm gonna be okay.
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