Saturday, May 06, 2006
Professionally- Marketable, Personally- FUBAR
Yup. That's me right now. Life takes shape in the form of peaks and troughs— like all the stupid transverse waves that I remember from Mr. Kwan's physics classes.
My professional life seems to be heading upwards this weekend. Yesterday, Shadra told me that one of my stories won Best Sports Story of 2006 in the collegiate category at the Oregon Newspapers Publishers' Awards. I believe I'm the first freelancer to ever hold that distinction. So that was definitely a very nice boost, and will add more clout to my resume.
I spent most of this weekend in Xtreme News-Ed: A one-credit weekend course organized by Kathy, my fave journalism professor. I think the best part of the course was that I got to network with a bunch of powerful people from the Spokesman Review (a newspaper in Washington).
I talked to Steve Smith, the editor, after class. And he said to send him some clippings and a resume, and maybe we could set something up for next summer. So basically, I'm looking at the possibility of a summer internship with the sports desk of Spokesman Review in Spokane after graduation next year.
Now that's a pretty appealing prospect.
But anyway, here comes the reason why my personal life is currently Fucked. Up. Beyond. All. Recognition. After the workshop last night, I went to Rennie's with Jared, Tom, Mo, Shadra, and a bunch of people from the workshop. Basically I don't want to go into it in detail because it's kind of a sore subject. But Shadra was just kinda weird to me all night long. I couldn't figure her out at all. It's not like she was ignoring me or anything. It's more like she was acting as if I was just one of the group you know? Like I mattered less than Jared (her best friend) and about the same as Tom, someone she happens to work with.
At one point I got her alone in the bar, and I was like "So are you really through with this?" 'This' meaning 'us'. I guess the idea was to just hear her say it, you know? And I was kinda drunk, so it's not like I was 100% coherent. But I didn't get jack. All she said was, "I don't want to talk about it now. I don't think this is the time or place to discuss it." Not meanly. Just straight up.
What I felt like saying at that point was "Then when are we going to talk about it? Because you never want to talk about it." But I didn't.
I barely talked to her for the rest of the night. And got to watch as she, Jared, and Kelly-- her ex-- got into a cab together at the end of the night.
Learned from Jared today that he ended up going home, but that Kelly slept over at Shadra's. I'm not gonna deny that I'm jealous. And while I'm not positive, I'd put ten bucks on them having slept together.
So I wasn't the happiest person around last night.
This morning wasn't any better.
Things are just weird right now. I came up fucked up and crying last night. Again. and I hate that. Hate the fact that even after I've told myself over and over again that I'm done with this and that we're just gonna be friends, she still gets to me. She still has so much of a hold over me.
It sucks.
It still hurts. So much to the extent that I really am trying with all my heart to be done with this and walk away. I can't do it anymore. It's taken too much out of me.
My professional life seems to be heading upwards this weekend. Yesterday, Shadra told me that one of my stories won Best Sports Story of 2006 in the collegiate category at the Oregon Newspapers Publishers' Awards. I believe I'm the first freelancer to ever hold that distinction. So that was definitely a very nice boost, and will add more clout to my resume.
I spent most of this weekend in Xtreme News-Ed: A one-credit weekend course organized by Kathy, my fave journalism professor. I think the best part of the course was that I got to network with a bunch of powerful people from the Spokesman Review (a newspaper in Washington).
I talked to Steve Smith, the editor, after class. And he said to send him some clippings and a resume, and maybe we could set something up for next summer. So basically, I'm looking at the possibility of a summer internship with the sports desk of Spokesman Review in Spokane after graduation next year.
Now that's a pretty appealing prospect.
But anyway, here comes the reason why my personal life is currently Fucked. Up. Beyond. All. Recognition. After the workshop last night, I went to Rennie's with Jared, Tom, Mo, Shadra, and a bunch of people from the workshop. Basically I don't want to go into it in detail because it's kind of a sore subject. But Shadra was just kinda weird to me all night long. I couldn't figure her out at all. It's not like she was ignoring me or anything. It's more like she was acting as if I was just one of the group you know? Like I mattered less than Jared (her best friend) and about the same as Tom, someone she happens to work with.
At one point I got her alone in the bar, and I was like "So are you really through with this?" 'This' meaning 'us'. I guess the idea was to just hear her say it, you know? And I was kinda drunk, so it's not like I was 100% coherent. But I didn't get jack. All she said was, "I don't want to talk about it now. I don't think this is the time or place to discuss it." Not meanly. Just straight up.
What I felt like saying at that point was "Then when are we going to talk about it? Because you never want to talk about it." But I didn't.
I barely talked to her for the rest of the night. And got to watch as she, Jared, and Kelly-- her ex-- got into a cab together at the end of the night.
Learned from Jared today that he ended up going home, but that Kelly slept over at Shadra's. I'm not gonna deny that I'm jealous. And while I'm not positive, I'd put ten bucks on them having slept together.
So I wasn't the happiest person around last night.
This morning wasn't any better.
Things are just weird right now. I came up fucked up and crying last night. Again. and I hate that. Hate the fact that even after I've told myself over and over again that I'm done with this and that we're just gonna be friends, she still gets to me. She still has so much of a hold over me.
It sucks.
It still hurts. So much to the extent that I really am trying with all my heart to be done with this and walk away. I can't do it anymore. It's taken too much out of me.
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