The Steffiverse

This seems to be becoming a trend. Every time I do something stupid, I take a couple of days off from reflection and just not think. This time I know I did the ultimate stupid thing.

I went to Max's (that's a bar) on Saturday night, with Parker and a couple of people from the newsroom. Honest to god, I had no idea that Shadra would be there. But she was. Standing outside with Ossie smoking when I walked in. She looked surprised to see me, and the question of whether she thought I was stalking her did cross my own head.

But as it was, I said hi, exchanged a few words (from her: "What are you doing here? me: "Drinking.") and went inside to find Kai and Parker.

She wasn't there with them. Instead she went to join a bunch of her own friends in a booth, and barely talked to us.

Later on, we were standing by the pool table when she came over. "I'm gonna go," she told me. "Bye sweetie." Not as a term of endearment. Just matter of factly.

I watched her go out the back door with Kai, wondering if we'd ever really talk again.

My fingers took on a life of their own, and I texted her. "Are you ever gonna wanna talk?"

"About what?"

"The question I asked you last night." (As in: Are you really through with us?) "Can I call?"

I didn't get a reply. On impulse, I went out the back door. I don't know why because at that point I was pretty sure she was already walking home.

She was sitting outside with Kai, smoking.

I went out. Let her finish her cigarette. Kai left. And as I stood facing her, I almost lost the nerve to say everything that I wanted to say.

"Are you really through with this? Are you really through with us?" I asked her.

"Why are you doing this? I thought I'd made things very clear in the email."

I told her that all she'd said in the email was that she wanted to be friend. But because I was me, and because I've got this annoying blend of stubbornness and optimism in me, in order for me to really be done I needed her to tell me to my face that she no longer liked me; that she no longer had feelings for me.

"If you want me to leave you alone, tell me. Just say it now. If you want me to leave, just say it, and I'll go." I told her. Several times.

She didn't say a word. Just stood there looking mad, frustrated, sad.

"Why are you doing this?" she asked me again.

"I'm not doing anything," I told her. "I just need to know. For me. I'm already emotionally invested in this, I can't walk away unless I know there's no hope left."

Basically that's the way the conversation continued to go. I knew we weren't gonna get anywhere. She kept saying that it wasn't all clear cut and black and white. And that there was no way she could tell me whether or not she liked me.

I asked her again a couple of times to tell me if she wanted me to leave. She couldn't do it.

Finally, I said good night and left. And as I walked away, leaving her standing there in the cold, I knew I shouldn't have done it. I knew I'd burned a bridge in theat back lot of Max's that night. I knew that for now at least, we were through. And that there were no two ways about it.

It was kinda frustrating to realize all that, but strangely enough, at the same time, I felt better. Because a part of me had needed to have that confrontation with her. I'd needed to say all that. I got to say my piece. And by doing that, I flushed this thing down the toilet. There's not a single damn thing I can do about it now.