The Steffiverse

So I did it. I told the team that I was done. And despite everything I've said up till now about not missing the game and being glad to be done, it wasn't easy to go to the fields today and just say goodbye.

I know I didn't need to do that. I could honestly just have called Louisa and told her over the phone that I was not coming back to the team. That's how everyone else who's dropped off the team this year did it.

But I couldn't do that. I guess a part of me had to physically say goodbye. For my own sake. The ceremonial act of walking away had to be there.

And that's what I did. At 7pm tonight, I walked out to the turf fields where I knew they'd be practicing. They were just warming up in a circle when I got there. Louisa saw me walking towards them, and she came over to me. She knew what I was going to say.

"I'm done." I told her. "I'm not coming back. Good luck in Texas."

"I understand," she told me. "Do you wanna say anything to the team?"

"Yeah, I guess so. I didn't want to just disappear. That's not the way I do things."

So I walked into the middle of the warmup circle wished the team good luck in Texas, and told them that I wasn't coming back this year. A couple of them asked if I was gonna to play next year—in tones that indicated they assumed I would. I told them I was DONE done.

Honestly a bunch of people seemed pretty indifferent. Only Kate and Lauren were like "Aww, you're done? Why?" Only Kate really seemed to care. I'm not making note of this because I'm hurt by the lack of a reaction from the team. It's just an observation. I really don't care. It's not like I was especially close to most of those girls anyway.

But Kate I will miss. She's an awesome girl. One of the nicest people I know.

Then I said goodbye, went over to Louisa. She hugged me and told me that she'd enjoyed playing with me.

And then I walked away. Away from the fields. Away from the team. Away from the game. I walked away. A year before I really needed to.

Walking away from the fields, I almost wished I could turn around and take back everything I'd just said. Almost wished I could reverse the decision. Almost but not quite. Because while I know I WILL miss it, on some level, I'm happy with my decision. It's just time for me to move on.

But I'm glad I went out there and told everyone. I needed that sense of closure. Because until those words came out of my mouth when I was talking to the team—until I actually SAID "I'm done," there was always this thought lingering in the back of my head that told me that I wasn't really done, and that I could still go back. That this was just a phase, a rut I'd fallen into.

Now it's not. Saying those words turned a concept into reality.

So goodbye lacrosse. It's been a fun three years. This sport has given me a lot. But now, I'm truly ready to leave it behind.