Saturday, April 08, 2006
Readjusting
Wrought with career decision, ethical dilemmas and just plain old hard work, the last three days of the week have been jam packed and insanely busy. Which explains the lack of blogging. But I'll fill in those blanks tomorrow.
All I'll say at the moment is that the Drag Show is tomorrow. I'm pretty excited because the Women's Center is doing a number in it and I'm gonna be a gay cowboy... we're doing a parody of Brokeback Mountain. It's gonna be fun as hell.
And in a way, the Drag Show holds personal significance for me. Because I regard last year's Drag Show as the time I really started coming out. So this year, it's a re-visitation of that, and the realization that I've come this far and am so much more comfortable with myself now.
And that's not even solely my observation. I went over to Crystal's to just hang out tonight. I was dressed in a pair of guys' Levi's that I'd bought for the show, and a white wife beater. So we sat down, started talking. And then out of nowhere, Crystal says, "You're just so different this year. Last year, somehow you always seemed sort of uncomfortable, even when you were having fun. This year it's like you're just so much more confident. You're just more relaxed."
And she's right. I think I've been more comfortable with myself over the last year than I've ever been in my life. Because with coming out comes the realization that I really no longer give a fuck whether people might wonder if I'm gay if I walk down the street looking kinda like a tomboy. I'm gay. Why can't I look it ocassionally? I'm not super-butch or anything like that. But if I want to walk around in baggy jeans and a beater, what's it matter as long as I wear the look well?
I guess what I'm saying is that over the course of my life, I've always been conscious of the fact that I'm not like all the other girls. I'm a naturally confident person, I walk with a swagger, and I've got a deeper voice than most girls. And I used to be so uncomfortable with that. It was like, "Oh no, I don't ever want to be mistaken for a boy."
Now I feel as if I can just turn around a stick my middle finger up at the world. It's like "Yes, so maybe I look like a tomboy sometimes. Maybe I look gay. So what? I am gay. Deal with it."
It's liberating. I can finally be myself. It took me a long time to get here, but I'm now comfortable in my own skin.
All I'll say at the moment is that the Drag Show is tomorrow. I'm pretty excited because the Women's Center is doing a number in it and I'm gonna be a gay cowboy... we're doing a parody of Brokeback Mountain. It's gonna be fun as hell.
And in a way, the Drag Show holds personal significance for me. Because I regard last year's Drag Show as the time I really started coming out. So this year, it's a re-visitation of that, and the realization that I've come this far and am so much more comfortable with myself now.
And that's not even solely my observation. I went over to Crystal's to just hang out tonight. I was dressed in a pair of guys' Levi's that I'd bought for the show, and a white wife beater. So we sat down, started talking. And then out of nowhere, Crystal says, "You're just so different this year. Last year, somehow you always seemed sort of uncomfortable, even when you were having fun. This year it's like you're just so much more confident. You're just more relaxed."
And she's right. I think I've been more comfortable with myself over the last year than I've ever been in my life. Because with coming out comes the realization that I really no longer give a fuck whether people might wonder if I'm gay if I walk down the street looking kinda like a tomboy. I'm gay. Why can't I look it ocassionally? I'm not super-butch or anything like that. But if I want to walk around in baggy jeans and a beater, what's it matter as long as I wear the look well?
I guess what I'm saying is that over the course of my life, I've always been conscious of the fact that I'm not like all the other girls. I'm a naturally confident person, I walk with a swagger, and I've got a deeper voice than most girls. And I used to be so uncomfortable with that. It was like, "Oh no, I don't ever want to be mistaken for a boy."
Now I feel as if I can just turn around a stick my middle finger up at the world. It's like "Yes, so maybe I look like a tomboy sometimes. Maybe I look gay. So what? I am gay. Deal with it."
It's liberating. I can finally be myself. It took me a long time to get here, but I'm now comfortable in my own skin.
Comments:
Post a Comment
