Wednesday, April 19, 2006
Not Thinking.
I'm having issues. Understanding that the situation with Shadra is what it is and that things are completely out of my hands has done nothing but make me constantly restless and emotionally bipolar.
It's come to a point where I can't sit still, and I can't stand to come home and sit down and try and do homework. Because all I'll do is think of her. Think of the situation I've got myself stuck in, and think of how worthless it is to be thinking about it. Because there is absolutely nothing that I can do.
So I've taken to just keeping myself occupied 24/7. Today I went out onto the outdoor basketball courts and shot hoops for an hour after work. Just because I had a lot of emotionally energy that was dying to come out. Right now, the only way I know how to deal with this situation is to not think about it, not let it seep into my thoughts.
Because when it does, that's all I can think about, and I cease to function. I have to just stop thinking and start doing. Just doing for the sake of doing. I can't leave myself alone with my thought for more than five minutes lest all the memories start coming back in instant-replay mode. I can't bear to even relive certain moments right now. I can't look at photos of when we were dating, can barely bear to journal because that would mean that that I would have to actually think about things and analyse the situation. NOT thinking is the only way I'm able to hold it together at the moment. And we're just going to have to work with that until the memories fade back enough so that they sink into the archives and I can journal again without feeling like everything I say is going to be about her and nothing but her because that's all I can think of.
Have. To. Stop.
I missed my 8:30am class today because my alarm that was set for 6am didn't go off, and I didn't get a chance to do my homework before class. I hadn't done it the night before because Project No Think had been in progress, and I'd intentionally spent all night talking to lots of different people just so that I wouldn't have to leave myself alone with my own thoughts. Thoughts that at this point hurt ot even think about.
It's come to a point where I can't sit still, and I can't stand to come home and sit down and try and do homework. Because all I'll do is think of her. Think of the situation I've got myself stuck in, and think of how worthless it is to be thinking about it. Because there is absolutely nothing that I can do.
So I've taken to just keeping myself occupied 24/7. Today I went out onto the outdoor basketball courts and shot hoops for an hour after work. Just because I had a lot of emotionally energy that was dying to come out. Right now, the only way I know how to deal with this situation is to not think about it, not let it seep into my thoughts.
Because when it does, that's all I can think about, and I cease to function. I have to just stop thinking and start doing. Just doing for the sake of doing. I can't leave myself alone with my thought for more than five minutes lest all the memories start coming back in instant-replay mode. I can't bear to even relive certain moments right now. I can't look at photos of when we were dating, can barely bear to journal because that would mean that that I would have to actually think about things and analyse the situation. NOT thinking is the only way I'm able to hold it together at the moment. And we're just going to have to work with that until the memories fade back enough so that they sink into the archives and I can journal again without feeling like everything I say is going to be about her and nothing but her because that's all I can think of.
Have. To. Stop.
I missed my 8:30am class today because my alarm that was set for 6am didn't go off, and I didn't get a chance to do my homework before class. I hadn't done it the night before because Project No Think had been in progress, and I'd intentionally spent all night talking to lots of different people just so that I wouldn't have to leave myself alone with my own thoughts. Thoughts that at this point hurt ot even think about.
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