Wednesday, April 19, 2006
Last Official Practice
Yup. Today was my last official lacrosse practice ever. There's an additional semi-optional conditioning session tomorrow at 6pm, and I've decided to go to that. But it's not the same you know? Tonight was the last REAL practice that I'll ever be in.
And I think it was fun. We ran sprints at the beginning as usual, and on my last sprint, I went all out and schooled everyone by like 30 yards just because I realized that I'd probably never have to do that again.
Practice itself was enjoyable enough. We played Steal the Bacon, and Guts. And scrimmaged for a while. But there were enough elements thrown in to make me reinforce my decision to not come back next year. It just doesn't mean as much as it used to. There were moments where I did get kinda nostalgic and realize that on some level, I was definitely going to miss playing with the team. But on the whole, there was this overreaching sense of resignation. An understanding that I've gone as far as I can possibly go with this, and that it's time to move on.
And that's also the vein I'm taking with the rest of my life. Namely: Shadra. I've spent the last couple of days feeling crummy and just dealing with the way my feelings for her are affecting me because there's no outlet for them.
But today, I was walking down the street. It was all sunny. I looked around, saw kids hanging out on the lawn, throwing frisbees, just chilling. And suddenly I had to stop and really ask myself what the fuck I was feeling all mopey for? It's my favorite season, I'm having a good term with a manageble academic load, and there's so much to live for and look forward to.
It was kinda like "Why are you feeling so crummy?"
I also think that she somehow feeds off my emotions, maybe on some sort of subconscious level. Today we had lunch together. But things weren't as fluid as usual. We both seemed kind of stymied in the way we related to each other. And at first I started asking myself if maybe that was because I've spent the last two months overreacting, and we really aren't as interconnected as I think we are.
I soon realized that was a stupid line of thought to take. Everything we had was real. There's no way around it. That's probably the reason things why were kinda subdued between us today. Because she thinks like me, I'm sure she kinda senses what I'm feeling right now. How I'm all down and mopey because I'm still dealing with my feelings for her. And I'm sure that must make her slightly uncomfortable, even though there's nothing either one of us can do about it.
The best thing to do now is to just let it go. That's what I realized this afternoon. Just let it go. Because if she wants this, and if she feels the way I do, she'll come back to me eventually-- even if it's only for a fleeting moment-- just like she did last Thursday. But I can't keep just LIVING for those moments. I have to move on, get on with life. And if it happens, that's good. If it doesn't, my hands are tied, there's nothing I can do.
I have to let her go.
And I think it was fun. We ran sprints at the beginning as usual, and on my last sprint, I went all out and schooled everyone by like 30 yards just because I realized that I'd probably never have to do that again.
Practice itself was enjoyable enough. We played Steal the Bacon, and Guts. And scrimmaged for a while. But there were enough elements thrown in to make me reinforce my decision to not come back next year. It just doesn't mean as much as it used to. There were moments where I did get kinda nostalgic and realize that on some level, I was definitely going to miss playing with the team. But on the whole, there was this overreaching sense of resignation. An understanding that I've gone as far as I can possibly go with this, and that it's time to move on.
And that's also the vein I'm taking with the rest of my life. Namely: Shadra. I've spent the last couple of days feeling crummy and just dealing with the way my feelings for her are affecting me because there's no outlet for them.
But today, I was walking down the street. It was all sunny. I looked around, saw kids hanging out on the lawn, throwing frisbees, just chilling. And suddenly I had to stop and really ask myself what the fuck I was feeling all mopey for? It's my favorite season, I'm having a good term with a manageble academic load, and there's so much to live for and look forward to.
It was kinda like "Why are you feeling so crummy?"
I also think that she somehow feeds off my emotions, maybe on some sort of subconscious level. Today we had lunch together. But things weren't as fluid as usual. We both seemed kind of stymied in the way we related to each other. And at first I started asking myself if maybe that was because I've spent the last two months overreacting, and we really aren't as interconnected as I think we are.
I soon realized that was a stupid line of thought to take. Everything we had was real. There's no way around it. That's probably the reason things why were kinda subdued between us today. Because she thinks like me, I'm sure she kinda senses what I'm feeling right now. How I'm all down and mopey because I'm still dealing with my feelings for her. And I'm sure that must make her slightly uncomfortable, even though there's nothing either one of us can do about it.
The best thing to do now is to just let it go. That's what I realized this afternoon. Just let it go. Because if she wants this, and if she feels the way I do, she'll come back to me eventually-- even if it's only for a fleeting moment-- just like she did last Thursday. But I can't keep just LIVING for those moments. I have to move on, get on with life. And if it happens, that's good. If it doesn't, my hands are tied, there's nothing I can do.
I have to let her go.
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