The Steffiverse

The reason I haven't blogged in a couple of days is Shadra. We've been dealing with the fallout of last Saturday night's events. And that's been kinda hard. Basically how I deal with that is by trying to not think. Can't sit around and give myself any spare time to think about things.

Plus its helped that I've been really busy with Women's Center stuff.

But anyway, all that has been resolved. Basically, she emailed me on Thursday saying how she was really sorry about what happened Saturday. And that she'd spent the week trying to think about that and figure things out. Because she felt bad about what she'd done, thought it was unfair to me, and didn't want to feel confused any longer.

I emailed back. Told her I'd pretty much expected her to say that. I called it. Once again, I could practically read this girl's mind. Kinda uncanny. Told her I wanted to get together and talk about it.

Problem was that she wasn't ready to talk yet.

Friday morning, I wrote her a long 3 page letter. It said a lot of things, but basically it outlined where I wanted us to go from here on out. I told her she could take her time and think, but that I'd just wanted a chance to tell her certain things that I needed to say for my own state of mind.

So I was surprised to get an email back from her. And basically, she said it was probably best if we were just friends right now because she didn't think she could do anything more without blowing hot/cold emotionally. And she didn't want to have to subject me to that any longer.

The reason for the emails is that we both write better than we talk when we're confused. I would have preferred a face-to-face. But she couldn't do that yet. And I understood. I express myself better with words sometimes too.

But the bottomline is that I gambled and I lost. Maybe if I hadn't given her that letter and if I'd let her take her own time and come to me, the result would have been different. Or maybe it wouldn't. I've got no way of knowing.

I wasn't really upset yesterday afternoon. But the reality kinda sank in when I was out at the bars with Jane last night. Then I fell into a kinda funk. We ran into Shadra's friend Jared, and a couple other people from the newsroom last night, and hung out with them.

Jared was all over me. And I have to admit I didn't do anything to dissuade him. Probably because of the frame of mind I was in. But by the end of the night, I was very conscious of the fact that it probably wasn't the best idea to mess around with one of Shadra's best friends the same day me and her 'break up' again. Don't think that would go over too well, so it's a good thing I exercised self control.

Made him sleep in the living room on the couch when he ended up crashing at my place because it was late and he wasn't exactly sober enough to drive home.

Look, I'm becoming a responsible adult. Or trying to at any rate.

This sucks though. The whole Shadra thing I mean.