Friday, March 10, 2006
Falling Hard
Regardless of the fact that I've written more papers this week than I have in the last three weeks combined, its been a good week. Busy but good.
If you all might recall, I studied at the library with Shadra for a little while last weekend. She was reading a book for class called Rubyfruit Jungle which is about these two girls trying to figure out whether they're queer or not. I guess that hit a nerve with her, because she liked the book a lot and mentioned that she might want to buy it.
So I bought the book for her, and left a note in it asking her to have dinner with me Friday night. I also modified a couple of passages in the book with some bits of Post-It notes. Basically I changed a couple of words here and there so that one of the passages said something about how Shadra was the most beautiful girl in the world. I left the book on her desk at work on Wednesday morning for her to find it.
Turns out that was some nice timing on my part. Because when she came over after work last night, she said that finding the surprise on her desk had been the only nice part of a really crummy day.
We just sat in my bed and talked for two hours late last night. She's having a shitty time at the moment, and is going through a lot of crap. So she talked and I held her and listened. And then we talked. And I was stunned by how similar we are in a lot of ways. We operate in exactly the same way-- honest, straight up, to the point.
I told her that the one insecurity I had about this whole thing with us was that she'd wake up tomorrow, decide she wasn't into dating girls, and then this whole thing would go to hell. And then she said that her little insecurity, and one of the main reasons why she didn't want to come out yet was that she was afraid that I'd wake up one day, decide that I was no longer into her, dump her, and then this whole exploration into her sexuality would have been for nothing.
With her, I feel like I can be honest to a degree that surpasses anything I've felt with other people before. I really like her. I really care about her. And it upset me to see her all upset and confused last night. I just wanted to make it all go away.
We eventually just went to bed. Somehow this thing with her surpasses a physical attraction. I don't even have to do anything with her, I just enjoy being around her, enjoy kissing her. Just making her realize that I care, and that I'm not going anywhere.
At the same time, my rapidly developing feelings for her scare me because I'm aware of how fragile the situation is. She's still looking for her identity, and until she finds it, I'm going to be constantly looking over my shoulder, waiting for the other shoe to fall. I'm falling hard though. Day 20 and counting.
If you all might recall, I studied at the library with Shadra for a little while last weekend. She was reading a book for class called Rubyfruit Jungle which is about these two girls trying to figure out whether they're queer or not. I guess that hit a nerve with her, because she liked the book a lot and mentioned that she might want to buy it.
So I bought the book for her, and left a note in it asking her to have dinner with me Friday night. I also modified a couple of passages in the book with some bits of Post-It notes. Basically I changed a couple of words here and there so that one of the passages said something about how Shadra was the most beautiful girl in the world. I left the book on her desk at work on Wednesday morning for her to find it.
Turns out that was some nice timing on my part. Because when she came over after work last night, she said that finding the surprise on her desk had been the only nice part of a really crummy day.
We just sat in my bed and talked for two hours late last night. She's having a shitty time at the moment, and is going through a lot of crap. So she talked and I held her and listened. And then we talked. And I was stunned by how similar we are in a lot of ways. We operate in exactly the same way-- honest, straight up, to the point.
I told her that the one insecurity I had about this whole thing with us was that she'd wake up tomorrow, decide she wasn't into dating girls, and then this whole thing would go to hell. And then she said that her little insecurity, and one of the main reasons why she didn't want to come out yet was that she was afraid that I'd wake up one day, decide that I was no longer into her, dump her, and then this whole exploration into her sexuality would have been for nothing.
With her, I feel like I can be honest to a degree that surpasses anything I've felt with other people before. I really like her. I really care about her. And it upset me to see her all upset and confused last night. I just wanted to make it all go away.
We eventually just went to bed. Somehow this thing with her surpasses a physical attraction. I don't even have to do anything with her, I just enjoy being around her, enjoy kissing her. Just making her realize that I care, and that I'm not going anywhere.
At the same time, my rapidly developing feelings for her scare me because I'm aware of how fragile the situation is. She's still looking for her identity, and until she finds it, I'm going to be constantly looking over my shoulder, waiting for the other shoe to fall. I'm falling hard though. Day 20 and counting.
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