Monday, March 13, 2006
Addiction
I've become an addict. And the substance of my addiction is named Shadra. She is the only reason why I am awake right now, at 9:30am on a Monday morning, when I don't have class till 2pm. Thoughts of her somehow invaded, and then consumed, my subconscious psyche. And I woke up to write a great idea I had in hopes of trying to convince her of the fact that I am hopelessly smitten at this point, and no, I'm not going to suddenly stop liking her.
Because that's still a fear that she harbors. And that's why she says she knows she's holding back, trying not to get too close or too attached to me because she's afraid that I'm gonna decide that I'm done with her. She told me that last night. And all I could think was "How is that possible?"
How is it possible? If only she could see the way I go around in a semi-dazed state nowadays, because I can't get her out of my head. If only I could get her physically into my head so that she can see for herself how I'm practically living from text message to text message, from one phone call to the next. Anything as long as I hear from her. Anything to keep me going because I'm scared too.
My fear hasn't left either. I scared to death that she'll decide she's done dating girls. But I'm taking that chance and going for it anyway.
I told her last night that sometimes I feel like I'm chasing her. And that because I don't do anything halfway, I'm going to keep chasing her till she tells me to stop.
She laughed and said ok. That we'd work with that system. Because right now, to stay sane, I think I need to keep chasing her, just like she needs me to keep chasing her so that she can hopefully convince herself that I'm not going to suddenly decide I don't like her anymore.
Aren't we an odd, fucked up pair?
It's been 23 days. 24 coming up.
We cuddled and talked last night. I love the way she kisses me. It's a headrush of emotions like nothing I've ever experienced before. I just want her to realize that I'm really not going anywhere. That would be close to impossible at this point because I believe the general rule of an addiction is that you need regular doses of the drug that you're addicted to. And right now, asking me to kick the addiction would be like asking me to give up breathing.
I'm surprised I haven't scared her off with my intensity yet.
Because that's still a fear that she harbors. And that's why she says she knows she's holding back, trying not to get too close or too attached to me because she's afraid that I'm gonna decide that I'm done with her. She told me that last night. And all I could think was "How is that possible?"
How is it possible? If only she could see the way I go around in a semi-dazed state nowadays, because I can't get her out of my head. If only I could get her physically into my head so that she can see for herself how I'm practically living from text message to text message, from one phone call to the next. Anything as long as I hear from her. Anything to keep me going because I'm scared too.
My fear hasn't left either. I scared to death that she'll decide she's done dating girls. But I'm taking that chance and going for it anyway.
I told her last night that sometimes I feel like I'm chasing her. And that because I don't do anything halfway, I'm going to keep chasing her till she tells me to stop.
She laughed and said ok. That we'd work with that system. Because right now, to stay sane, I think I need to keep chasing her, just like she needs me to keep chasing her so that she can hopefully convince herself that I'm not going to suddenly decide I don't like her anymore.
Aren't we an odd, fucked up pair?
It's been 23 days. 24 coming up.
We cuddled and talked last night. I love the way she kisses me. It's a headrush of emotions like nothing I've ever experienced before. I just want her to realize that I'm really not going anywhere. That would be close to impossible at this point because I believe the general rule of an addiction is that you need regular doses of the drug that you're addicted to. And right now, asking me to kick the addiction would be like asking me to give up breathing.
I'm surprised I haven't scared her off with my intensity yet.
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