The Steffiverse

It was a busy and emotionally charged weekend. I spent most of it shuttling between the lacrosse field, the tennis center and the EMU.

I worked the Women of Color Conference, tried to work the guys' tennis games, and spent a lot of time on the lacrosse field because this weekend was our home tournament. I got more playing time this weekend than I've seen all year. But that really isn't saying much because I've barely played all year.

But that's not the pivotal part of the weekend. The pivotal part of the weekend came Saturday night. I picked Britt up to go to Jenn's party. I wasn't drinking because I had a game early the next day.

So we headed to Jenn's and had a good time. But with the benefit of hindsight, I realize now that we got more and more touchy feely as the night progressed.

By 12:30, I had to leave, and asked Britt if she wanted a ride. She decided to stay, but said she would walk me out to my car.

Okay. I grabbed her hand to pull her through the throng of people who were standing between us and the front door.

We stepped outside. Our hands stayed attached.

That's when I knew the dynamic had quickly changed.

Then her arm was around my waist as we walked me to my car. I opened the door and turned around to face her.

She looked at me. "I'm always so bad when I'm drinking around you." She told me. Then she pulled me into a hug.

A different hug. The kind you know is going to turn into something else.

When we pulled back, she looked at me. Then she leaned in. And we kissed.

I found myself saying, "Only when you're drunk?" As in she was only like this around me when she was drunk?

And she said, "No. You know I don't mean that."

And we were kissing again.

The next time we broke apart, we said goodnight, she told me she'd be at my game in the morning, and I drove off.

That was Saturday night. I ended up not seeing Britt on Sunday at all because she had issues with the ex to deal with.

But Saturday night was all it took to make me wonder anew whether or not I'm attracted to Britt in that way. And whether she's attracted to me in a similar manner.

I can't deny that I felt something in that kiss. But what exactly? I don't know.

And apparently Britt doesn't either.

To cut a long story short, I met her today briefly. A meeting I orchestrated because I had to know. I asked her whether she was into me. The answer was "I don't know." Because she had shut herself off from the world emotionally for so long that she just didn't know.

She doesn't know. I don't know. Where do we go from here?

I just hope I didn't fuck up by opening the can of worms and giving voice to the question that has gone unasked and unanswered since the first time we made out.

I hope.