Thursday, October 06, 2005
It Doesn't Add Up
Practice was cancelled today. Which was a good thing considering the fact that my body hurts like none other, and my ego has been sufficiently deflated afte yesterday's practice. This way there's time for both my body and my bruised ego to heal before I throw myself back into the gauntlet next Wednesday.
Don't get me wrong. I still enjoy lacrosse. It's just that towards the end of last year I began to pick up on one disturbing problem. I'm not generally an insecure person. In fact I'm quite the opposite. But somehow over the last year or so, the field has become the one place where all my insecurities are brought out and hammered into my head for two hours at a time, three times a week.
I'm not a star player. And I don't harbor any illusions about that. I just want to get to play. But there's something about this team that brings out qualities in me that I don't like. Insecurity, self-preservation and jealousy being three random ones that come to mind off the whole list I have in my head.
Only on the field do I feel inadequate. Only on the field do I doubt myself. Only on the field do I question my choices and principles. And that's bullshit because I don't normally feel this way. And it takes a lot to get me to start feeling that way. So doesn't that say something in itself?
But yet, when all is said and done. I can't bring myself to just say fuck it and quit. Because I've invested so much of myself into this damn activity over the last couple of years that it's become more than just a sport. Its become a matter of principle. I quit now, they win, I lose. If I stick it out, I'll think more of myself in the end.
Still, sometimes it really doesn't add up. Especially after practice yesterday when I realized that we have a whole shitload of freshmen this year who appear to have been sent down to Earth by the lacrosse gods. We already downsized from having two teams to having just one. Now with the Miracle Freshmen it's gonna be an even steeper uphill battle for playing time. Six hours of practice a week for five minutes on the field during games? When you do the math, you really wonder why the fuck you're subjecting yourself to this.
Its not all bad. Sometimes there's really nothing I love more than lacrosse. But other times, it gets hard. And when doubt pops into the picture, it just takes so much to shut it out again.
Don't get me wrong. I still enjoy lacrosse. It's just that towards the end of last year I began to pick up on one disturbing problem. I'm not generally an insecure person. In fact I'm quite the opposite. But somehow over the last year or so, the field has become the one place where all my insecurities are brought out and hammered into my head for two hours at a time, three times a week.
I'm not a star player. And I don't harbor any illusions about that. I just want to get to play. But there's something about this team that brings out qualities in me that I don't like. Insecurity, self-preservation and jealousy being three random ones that come to mind off the whole list I have in my head.
Only on the field do I feel inadequate. Only on the field do I doubt myself. Only on the field do I question my choices and principles. And that's bullshit because I don't normally feel this way. And it takes a lot to get me to start feeling that way. So doesn't that say something in itself?
But yet, when all is said and done. I can't bring myself to just say fuck it and quit. Because I've invested so much of myself into this damn activity over the last couple of years that it's become more than just a sport. Its become a matter of principle. I quit now, they win, I lose. If I stick it out, I'll think more of myself in the end.
Still, sometimes it really doesn't add up. Especially after practice yesterday when I realized that we have a whole shitload of freshmen this year who appear to have been sent down to Earth by the lacrosse gods. We already downsized from having two teams to having just one. Now with the Miracle Freshmen it's gonna be an even steeper uphill battle for playing time. Six hours of practice a week for five minutes on the field during games? When you do the math, you really wonder why the fuck you're subjecting yourself to this.
Its not all bad. Sometimes there's really nothing I love more than lacrosse. But other times, it gets hard. And when doubt pops into the picture, it just takes so much to shut it out again.
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