Sunday, April 18, 2004
A Throbbing Sting
Take a look at these two pictures.
Pic 1
Pic 2
The U of O Womens' Club Lacrosse A Team just won us the divisional championships over the weekend. In both those pictures, everyone is grinning in euphoria. I'm happy too. Really I am. But in that case, why does it sting this bad?
My bitterness overwhelms my happiness. Along with this bitterness comes an insane jealousy, one that slowly fades into indignance. I look at those photos and feel like something was robbed from me. That by not having been given the chance to play on the A Team, I lost my chance at winning that damn championship along with everyone else.
It wouldn't hurt so much if it weren't for the fact that while I was stuck in Eugene this weekend, Drew got the chance to go to McMinnville and play with the A Team. And win that damn championship with the A Team. Drew. Who's a freshman, like just me. Who started playing lacrosse for the first time in her life in November, just like me. We started at exactly the same time. I practice as much as she does, I don't even think she's that much better than me. So why is it that she got to go play with the A' Team this weekend and I didn't?
And that, is what burns. A slow throbbing sting that spreads throughout my body, one that envelopes me and makes me wanna hit something. Anything. Why didn't I get that fucking chance? If they'd given me the chance to prove myself and I'd fallen short, I'd have nothing to say. I'd accept it. What the absence of that chance is precisely what has me in this current state of intense agitation. In what way is she that much better than I am?
So they get to win that cup. They get to go to nationals in St. Louis, Missouri. A nice team road trip involving a plane ride. And I'm stuck here seething in bitterness at the injustice of it all. I've put in as much effort as Drew has. I'm here. She's there.
What the fucking hell.
This is just absolute bullshit.
And you know what's the worst thing? I'm actually angry at myself for feeling this way. I'm better than this. I should take this in my stride and just let it go. Sports is about choosing the best people to form a team. Ok. So I obviously wasn't one of the best. I really should just accept it and move on. But I can't. Because I know that I'm better than I've been given credit for. And I just wish I'd been given that chance to fucking prove it.
The U of O Womens' Club Lacrosse A Team just won us the divisional championships over the weekend. In both those pictures, everyone is grinning in euphoria. I'm happy too. Really I am. But in that case, why does it sting this bad?
My bitterness overwhelms my happiness. Along with this bitterness comes an insane jealousy, one that slowly fades into indignance. I look at those photos and feel like something was robbed from me. That by not having been given the chance to play on the A Team, I lost my chance at winning that damn championship along with everyone else.
It wouldn't hurt so much if it weren't for the fact that while I was stuck in Eugene this weekend, Drew got the chance to go to McMinnville and play with the A Team. And win that damn championship with the A Team. Drew. Who's a freshman, like just me. Who started playing lacrosse for the first time in her life in November, just like me. We started at exactly the same time. I practice as much as she does, I don't even think she's that much better than me. So why is it that she got to go play with the A' Team this weekend and I didn't?
And that, is what burns. A slow throbbing sting that spreads throughout my body, one that envelopes me and makes me wanna hit something. Anything. Why didn't I get that fucking chance? If they'd given me the chance to prove myself and I'd fallen short, I'd have nothing to say. I'd accept it. What the absence of that chance is precisely what has me in this current state of intense agitation. In what way is she that much better than I am?
So they get to win that cup. They get to go to nationals in St. Louis, Missouri. A nice team road trip involving a plane ride. And I'm stuck here seething in bitterness at the injustice of it all. I've put in as much effort as Drew has. I'm here. She's there.
What the fucking hell.
This is just absolute bullshit.
And you know what's the worst thing? I'm actually angry at myself for feeling this way. I'm better than this. I should take this in my stride and just let it go. Sports is about choosing the best people to form a team. Ok. So I obviously wasn't one of the best. I really should just accept it and move on. But I can't. Because I know that I'm better than I've been given credit for. And I just wish I'd been given that chance to fucking prove it.
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